Kick-Ass vs Crimson Bolt
by Rorschachsidekick1
Summary: Two of Hollywood "Real life superheroes". Both locked in a battle to the death. Who will win? Who will die? Who will die the hero? Who will live to be the villain?
1. Chapter 1

Kickass vs. Crimson Bolt -

"Sometimes in fiction we have superheroes with no powers, like Batman, Iron Man, Nightwing, Nick Fury, etc". Delusion spoke on a funny tone.

"But, this time we bring two superheroes with no powers, and these superheroes lives in a world exactly as ours". Realism added on a serious tone

"How it will be a superhero in real life?, it must be epic". Delusion screamed and ran to make a costume.

"No, these fictions showed us that being a superhero can make you go crazy, have tragedies, and ruin your life". Realism grounded Delusion

"Oooh". Delusion said on a sad tone.

"Kick Ass, the guy that can´t feel pain". Realism said on a serious tone.

"And The Crimson Bolt, the guy that will shut up crime". Delusion spoke on a funny tone.

"I am Realism and this is my naive counterpart, Delusion, and is our job analyze their weapons armors and skills to find out who will win a Death Battle". Realism said on a serious tone.

Bios:

Name: Dave Lizewski.

Age: 16-17 years old in Kick Ass 1, likely 18-19 years old in Kick Ass 3 (he graduated from high school, but he failed academically before).

Height: Likely 1.7 meters tall, he is pretty small.

Weight: Likely 140 lbs

"Dave Lizewski was an otherwise ordinary New York City high school student. His mother died of a brain aneurysm. Dave takes his interest in comic books as inspiration to become a real-life superhero, he always wondered why the people want to be like Paris Hilton and not like Spiderman; or is my imagination or this guy is two steps ahead of entering a mental hospital?. He assembles a suit and mask, which he wears under his normal clothing, and he begins his own personal training before attempting to fight crime, predictably leading to disastrous results as Dave is hospitalized following a stabbing and then being struck by a car". Realism said on a disturbed tone.

"Wow, this guy is crazier than me by far, I will fight crime using guns and a bulletproof chest not a freaking wet suit; telling his father he was mugged, he undergoes intense physical rehabilitation, including four operations. He is released weeks later, with metal plates all over his body and with his nerve endings having delayed reactions to pain, making him almost immune to conventional beatings. In spite of considering giving up crime fighting, he soon goes back onto the streets. When he saves a man from a beating and fights off the attacking thugs, an onlooker records the incident and uploads it on YouTube, turning Lizewski into an overnight sensation dubbed with the name Kick-Ass". Delusion said on a funny tone.

"He was very lucky to get nerve damage, because if he never got that he should have died IN THE FIRSTS ISSUES. The premise for Kick-Ass is what would happen if someone with no powers were to try to be a superhero. This still is that case but when Dave is stabbed and hit by a car, he has several metal plates and braces within his body along with damaged nerve endings. This provides him with the ability to be almost immune to pain, so if you hit him with a bat in the chest he will not felt pain and he will continue the fight; he can take being punched repeatedly in all his body by multiple guys and keep kicking ass". Realism spoke on a serious tone.

"His stamina is his strong point; his stamina is ridiculously high, he can take falls of 2 meters and don't break his back, being hit by a trash-can right in the head and don't faint, managed to recover from being hit in the neck by a staff, he survived being stab and then hit by a car breaking his legs and back; wow this dude is made of metal or what?". Delusion said on a disturbed tone.

"Yes, in stamina Rocky Balboa will be his bitch; he got hit by a bottle of wine in the head and then his head being smashed against the ground, the survived a pistol whip right in the head, he survived being electrocuted IN THE BALLS by a car battery; if you don't know a car battery can range from 200 amperes to 1000 amperes, and you need around 0.01 amperes to have a cardiac arrest and around 200 amperes to got a burn; he tanked a beating of Hit-Girl a girl that can kill a man with his bare hands, also he survived being hit by a paint bucket right in the neck". Realism said on a serious tone.

"He even survived being nailed, literally by Motherf*cker, he crashed against a window and was still fine". Delusion spoke on a disturbed tone.

"Damm, this guy is really made of metal. He has metal plates that are on his bones, he can survive those beating thanks to his metal plates". Realism added on a serious tone.

"His fighting skills are laaaaaame". Delusion yelled.

"He is just a teenager with not too much formal training, what do you expect?". Realism grounded Delusion.

"He usually attacks his enemies by flailing his batons at them. Later in the comics he puts nails in the batons and you know what those things do; the batons are mostly used to cause blunt force trauma, so if one of those things hits you in the head with a lot of force it can cause you concussions, internal bleeding and even death". Realism said on a serious tone.

"Mostly of the time Kick Ass just attacks randomly, he never attacks using a strategy, his only strategy is attack, attack, attack". Delusion added on a funny tone.

"But, he got some skills thanks to his training with Hit Girl, he knew how to knock out a person faster and how to react, but he still lacks of formal training". Realism said on a serious tone.

"Still sucks, he can be countered by a martial artist easily, yes his stamina is so freaking great but in combat skills he fights like a puppet". Delusion mocked.

"Despite that, he is pretty intelligent too, he is capable of using his environment to attack, but in a very limited manner, he can grab things, push you against something and more; but he is not like Hit Girl, she can jump walls and even use a shoe to kill you". Realism spoke on a serious tone.

"Also he had a freaking jet pack in the movie, but he will not use it, but he has a pepper spray, the jet pack was not made by him or belongs to him, so sorry badass jet". Delusion added on a sad tone.

"Kick Ass, a crazy teen". Realism said on a funny tone.

"Jesus, doesn't that bug you guys? Like thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton; nobody wants to be Spider-Man." Kick Ass said.

••••

Bio:

Name: Frank Darbo.

Age: Above 40 years old.

Height: 1.8 meters tall.

Weight: 198 lbs

"Frank was average guy with a beautiful wife, but his wife left him to go with a strip club owner that gets her hooked in drugs, which makes Frank goes depressed and transforms in to a religious fanatic". Realism said on a sad tone.

"Poor fatass fella; he has a vision in which he is touched by the hand of God and meets the Holy Avenger, a superhero from a public-access television show who tells Frank that God has chosen him for a very special purpose. Frank believes that God has chosen him to become a superhero and goes to a local comic book store for inspiration, yes obvious. His claim that he is designing a new superhero is met with enthusiastic appreciation from the foul-mouthed store clerk, Libby. Frank creates a superhero costume and assumes the identity of "The Crimson Bolt.". Badass name is badass". Delusion spoke on a funny tone

"Frank is just our average guy, but he has a lot of skills and gadgets a la Batman. He has a variety of weapons, a wrench, a combat knife, a Beretta pistol, a Mossberg shotgun, pipe bombs and blade shooters". Realism spoke with a funny tone.

"What what?, how he has those weapons?". Delusion yelled.

"He finds them or makes weapons by himself". Realism answered.

"I don't know how this nutball will make a blade shooter". Delusion spoke on a funny tone.

"I don't know either. Well let's continue; his close combat weapon is the wrench, a wrench is made of steel and use it to make torques, he uses a Adjustable spanner, a wrench can be used as a weapon of blunt force trauma, if you hit a guy with the support part right in the head you can carve it, and if you hit a guy baseball style with a wrench you can knock him out and break his skull and cause interal bleeding". Realism spoke on a serious tone.

"Yes, Our intern, Naïveté, did the tests of a wrench hit in the head, one powerful hit of a wrench and boom; you will be either paralytic or dead". Delusion yelled on a funny tone.

"And Frank hits you right in the front of the head; you could die if you are hit like that. Also he has a combat knife; a combat knife is designed for stabbing the flesh and cut thought it, they are made of titanium alloys that allow him more sharpness and resistence". Realism said on a serious tone.

"In firepower he has a berretta 92 pistol, and a freaking shotgun. The berretta can shoots bullets at 1,250 feet per second, and the bullets are 9 mm which can cause a lot of bleeding. The shotgun is a Mossberg 500, that can shoot bullets at 1,350 feet per second and uses shells of 12 gauge, with the firepower to disembowel bodies and destroys heads". Delusion screamed.

"You really like shotguns. He also has pipe bombs; a pipe bomb is an improvised explosive device, filled with an explosive material. The containment can be used to produce a relatively large explosion, and the fragmentation of the pipe itself creates potentially lethal shrapnel". Realism added on a serious tone.

"I like this guy more than Kick Ass, he even in his debut he was winning fights". Delusion added.

"Because he overpowered his opponents with his weight and his wrench, he is unpredictable as hell. Also his suit has a bulletproof chest that took multiple shoots from pistols and it endured a lot". Realism added.

"True, his best showing is in the final battle, he soled the whole security team, he got shot a lot of times, but he went straight to kill Jacques". Delusion said on a funny tone.

"And without much casualties...unless you count his young female sidekick, Boltie, getting headshot." Realism said in a sad tone.

"Oh yeah" delusion said partially sadden

[[Out of respect for the fallen yet favorable sidekick, The host stop and commit the prayer of the Boondocks Saints]]

"Despite he has a lot of advantages, he is dependent of his weapons, and his close combat skills are really bad". Realism spoke on a sad tone.

"The Crimson Bolt, the Canadian version of Batman". Delusion yelled.

"Don't steal, don't sell drugs! don't molest little children!, SHUT UP CRIME". Crimson Bolt yelled.


	2. Chapter 2

"All right the combatants are set,

let´s end this debate once and for all". Realism spoke on a serious tone.

"It´s time for a SUPERHERO BATTLE ROYAL, I mean Death Battle". Delusion yelled.

•••••

Kick Ass was patrolling the city in the night, nothing notorious was happening, he was bored and even falling asleep, he was wearing his suit and he was holding his batons in case of emergency; after a painful bunch of minutes he saw an adult man, wearing a red costume soldier style, with a yellow spiky symbol, beating of a guy using a wrench in a park, Kick Ass yelled at him to make him stop, but Frank continued the beating.

Kick Ass knowing that the guy of red was not going to stop until the thief said sorry, Kick Ass tackles The Crimson Bolt, both felt down and get up in no time, and then they started to scream each other.

"Don't assist the crime". Crimson Bolt yelled.

"You were going to murder that guy". Kick Ass screamed.

"I was not going to kill him". Crimson Bolt answered.

"Explain the wrench". Kick Ass said on an angry tone.

"It´s my weapon of choice". Crimson Bolt answered on an angry tone.

"That is not an answer, you must hurt the thief to teach him a lesson, but not at that level". Kick Ass replied.

"This guy was a child molester, that is why he was receiving this beating, plus God sent me to save the world from the crime". Crimson Bolt answered.

The molester managed to get up and tried to escape, but before he can run Crimson Bolt smacks him with the wrench right in the face, the guy dies of a skull fracture.

"Jesus Christ, you as crazy as Motherf*cker". Kick Ass yelled.

"What did you said?". Crimson Bolt said on an angry tone.

"You are crazy as Motherf*cker". Kick Ass answered.

"Motherf*cker?, your father". Crimson Bolt said on a pissed off tone.

"Don't talk like that about my father". Kick Ass yelled.

FIGHT:

Kick Ass and Crimson Bolt ran after each other, both crashed and felt to the ground, both of them managed to get up and Kick Ass tried to hit him with the batons right in the head, but Crimson Bolt managed to duck an hits Kick Ass right in the jaw with and uppercut, Kick Ass recovered in no time and managed to hit Crimson Bolt´s arms in a barrage of batons; Crimson Bolts tackles and holds Kick Ass against the ground and unsheathes his wrench, before he can land a hit Kick Ass managed to headbutt Crimson Bolt two times and pushed him away with his legs.

Kick Ass unsheathes his batons again while Crimson Bolt tries to make a strategy, Kick Ass tackles him, but Crimson Bolt with his wrench lands a hit right in Dave´s chest, Kick Ass lost his balance but recovers in no time, Crimson Bolt noted that his opponent was not feeling pain at all, and he noted that Kick Ass didn't spit blood when he received the wrench´s hit (thanks to his metal plates); Kick Ass tries to hit Crimson Bolt´s head with the batons while jumping, but Frank managed to dodge and hits Kick Ass´s left arm with the wrench, he managed to damage the skin and hit the bone, but the metal plate resisted, Kick Ass hits Crimson Bolt´s head with a baton before he can react and then he kicked him away.

Crimson Bolt unsheathes his combat knife with his right hand and tires to stab Dave, Kick Ass managed to dodge the stabs and slashes, then he hits Crimson Bolt in the jaw multiple times with his fists, Crimson Bolt recovered in no time and pushed Kick Ass against a bench, Kick Ass landed on his butt like he was sitting and managed to dodge the Crimson Bolt´s stabs; Kick Ass grabs Crimson Bolt´s arms and manages to steal the knife and throws it away while struggling, Crimson Bolt hits Kick Ass multiple times in the head while struggling and manages to toss him away, Kick Ass let´s go Crimson Bolt´s arm and tries to hit him with his batons, but Crimson Bolt tackled him against a wall, both crashed and Crimson Bolt does combos of punches in Kick Ass face.

Kick Ass received the punches while waiting to see a signal of tiring, after some seconds he knew that Crimson Bolt´s punches were getting weaker and makes his momentum, Kick Ass kicks Crimson Bolt right in the groin, Crimson Bolt lets his guard down while screaming and Kick Ass hits him with the batons multiple times in the head, Crimson Bolt screamed in pain and felt down; Kick Ass tried to hit him more times with the batons, but Crimson Bolt uses his blade shooter and hits Kick Ass right in the chest before he can make a move, Kick Ass started to bleed and scream, Crimson Bolt managed to get up and punched Kick repeatedly in the face, Kick Ass managed to land a hit with his batons right in Crimson Bolt´s mouth, Crimson Bolt spits blood and a tooth.

Kick Ass tried to hit him again, but Frank managed to grab Dave´s arms and kick him right in the chest, then Frank grabs a trash can and smashes it against Dave´s head, Kick Ass felt to the ground and recovered again, he unsheathes his pepper spray and sprays Crimson Bolt´s face, then Kick Ass punches Crimson Bolt in the face, grabs a small rock and throws it right in Crimson Bolt´s face; Kick Ass then kicked him and with his baton hits Crimson Bolt right in the kneels, he tries to land a deadly hit in Crimson Bolt´s head, but Frank managed to grab his wrench that was in the floor and hits Kick Ass´ face, Kick Ass losses three teeth and spits blood, Frank tries to hit him right in the head this time, but Dave managed to dodge and steals the wrench and throws it away.

Frank runs away with problems because Kick Ass damaged his legs, Kick Ass gives chase until they entered in an abandoned building, the building was a former gym, both entered and Crimson Bolt hides in the second floor while searching for a weapon, Kick Ass goes upstairs and finds Crimson Bolt, but Crimson Bolt launches a baseball ball, Kick Ass swings and hits the ball; Crimson Bolt decided that he must use more lethal force, so he runs away and Kick Ass chases him, Crimson Bolt got cornered, but before he can hit him the Crimson Bolt unsheathed a Beretta, he shoots Kick Ass three times, two bullets misses, but the third one hits Kick Ass´s left arm, he still runs and tackles Crimson Bolt before he shoots again, he crashed against a corner and steals the gun and throws it away, Crimson Bolt pushed him away in anger.

Kick Ass recovered from the push and hits Crimson Bolt right in the back with his left baton, Crimson Bolt tried to punch him again in the face, but Kick Ass counters every single attack with his batons, then Kick Ass punched Crimson Bolt right in the face and uses his batons to hit Crimson Bolt´s legs and makes him felt down, Crimson Bolt in the ground launches another blade shooter; right in the Kick Ass´s groin was the hit, and then Crimson Bolt pinned him against the ground and hits him repeatedly in the nose, he runs away with difficult, he hides in the lockers room and tries to unsheathes his shotgun that was hided on his pants, Kick Ass founds him and punches him repeatedly before he can unsheathe his shotgun, pins him against the ground and punches him repeatedly, then he makes his head crash against the ground.

Crimson Bolt was screaming a lot, Kick Ass was incredibly tired, very damaged and bleeding, Crimson Bolt was waiting for the momentum to use his shotgun hided on his pants, Kick Ass leaves the gym and before he walks six yards out of the place he heard a "click", he turned back and saw Crimson Bolt holding a shotgun.

"SHUT UP, CRIME". Crimson Bolt yelled.

Kick Ass tried to dodge, but the blast got him anyway right in the chest, the slugs of the shotgun broke the metal plates and hits the lungs make them collapse, Kick Ass was now dead and Crimson Bolt decided to take a rest, after some seconds he heard the sirens of the police and the police arrived to the scene some seconds later. Crimson Bolt makes his escape with an advantage of 5 seconds, the police try to shoot him down, but Crimson Bolt survived the bullets thanks to his Kevlar armor and throws a pipe bomb at the police, one of the policeman died from the explosion and one of them that was alive said the following codes.

"187, 245, 480, we got two dead guys here and an assault with a pipe bomb, we need an ambulance and reinforces, the guy is escaping". The policeman yelled to the radio.

Crimson Bolt managed to escape to a shelter where he can heal his wound fight for another day.

••••

K.O.!

Delusion instead of talking puts a clip of Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight saying.

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain". Harvey Dent spoke.

"Well, it´s true Kick Ass died as a hero and Crimson Bolt became a villain. Now going to the subject, Crimson Bolt has more weapons and his weapons are way deadlier; Kick Ass was way more durable, but his metal plate's can´t endure the impact of a shotgun". Realism said on a sad tone.

"Yes, Crimson Bolt is deadlier than Kick Ass and way more unpredictable, Kick Ass have better combat skills despite he lacks formal training, meanwhile Crimson Bolt is a lazy Batman, he does not train and depends on his weapons". Delusion spoke on a funny tone.

"And Crimson Bolt in his debut was WINNING fights; Kick Ass was getting his ass kicked until he learned how to kinda fight". Realism spoke on a serious tone.

"The winner is The Crimson Bolt". Delusion yelled.

Let's do a recap of the fighters:

Kick Ass:

+More durable.

+More stamina.

+Better combat skills.

-His suit has no protection, only his metal plates.

-Lack of formal training.

Crimson Bolt:

+More weapons.

+Unpredictable.

+Better armor.

-Lack of close combat skills.

-Dependant on his weapons.


End file.
